I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
stop calling my apartment porn island.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
