Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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