i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
