you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
