Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just had sex on a roof
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
