every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
