his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
