That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
