I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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