Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
