Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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