I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
