he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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