I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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