It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
