I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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