If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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