One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
