Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
