....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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