i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
