Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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