God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
