Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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