I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
