her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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