if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
