Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
