wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
