My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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