his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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