broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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