First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
