I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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