I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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