that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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