his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
