after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I need water and some morals
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
