I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
