I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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