He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
