My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
