Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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