He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
