She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
