did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
