Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
