If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
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