we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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