My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
